[Cosmosdex] The Universal Encyclopedia


John Rodriguez

Jonny / Mass of Failure

John Rodriguez
“A qu-quote? I don't know any quotes to put in my entry, so-sorry.” — John Rodriguez when asked what quote he wanted to put in his entry

Art by, Maggotsboy

Part of the Featured collection

Emblem by Anon
  • Strength-4
  • Intelligence-1
  • Charisma-1
  • Endurance-4
  • Agility-6
  • Luck-10

Common Jobs: Jobless, Making more John Rodriguezies
Likes: Staying inside, Staying safe, Staying warm, Mud puddles, His Ubox
Dislikes: Responsibility, Work, People depending on him, Uncertainty, Water

Attack Method: Run away to water. Possibly forget he can't swim and drown.

Homeplanet: My Planet?
Lifespan: 2 years
Size: 6 ft tall, 10 ft long
Diet: Fish, Plants, Meat, Things he finds off the floor and shouldn't be putting in his mouth

Bodytype: Taur
Type: Amphibian
Social Class: Low Class
Rarity: Mythical
Common Traits
[Clumsy] Neutral trait
This character is more likely to drop objects or make small mistakes. Sometimes their mistakes end up being for the better, but most of the time the mistake are small.
[Getaway] Positive trait
This character always seems to slip away at the last moment. Whenever they are in a group, they automatically escape if they try.
[Lazy] Negative trait
This character dislikes working and will never go the extra mile. They also have a lower standard of what is too much work and may endanger themselves and others by cutting corners.

John Rodriguez says that his species honored a god but he never really paid any attention to that stuff. Kind of wishes he had a god to pray to now. He still attempts to pray to this god regardlessly.

Gods: A god he cannot remember the name of.

Original Creator: Atomic

Physical Description

John Rodriguez describes himself as a fairly above average member of his species in terms of looks. Considering that this is John Rodriguez, it is safe to assume the opposite.

John Rodriguez is very serpentine in appearance with a long body that goes down from his head, to the floor, before ending in a tail that's about 1/3rd of his total length. Being an amphibian John Rodriguez has a smooth rubber-like skin with bumps dotting the surface. John Rodriguez's skin should be constantly wet but as he is a hydrophobic and scared of being in water he has a tenancy to dry out to dangerous levels. He attempts to moisten himself in mud puddles instead which means he may sometimes be covered head to toe in filth, making the fact that he fears water even worse.

John Rodriguez has four legs in the middle of his body where it reaches the ground. Not only is John Rodriguez clumsy but it appears the proper posture for his species is to lift his body slightly off the ground so his belly does not rub against the ground as he walks. He doesn't do this and complains of nausea. The nausea is caused by him rubbing his belly across the floor. He's been told this many times but it just ends in him going "Oh I should stop doing that." and proceeding to continue it. He'll complain about nausea again in a few days while also remaking that he "tried" doing what he was told and that it didn't work.

Other than his legs, John Rodriguez also has two short arms between his head and leg section of his body. As his arms are too short he doesn't tend to carry things in them, and when he does he drops it. John Rodriguez often drops items like this, as well as trips over his own feet. When John Rodriguez trips and falls he often refuses to rise up, and instead starts to cry about how horrible his whole life has been up to this point, the fall to the ground being the straw that broke the camel's back.

A healthy John Rodriguez is always on the verge of crying due to being the correct amount of moist. His large pupils seem to be a strange shape, and sometimes even change shape, being a rather "wibbly wobbly circle" as John Rodriguez describes it. John Rodriguez face is eel like, with an under bite showing some of his teeth. He has an extremely long tongue which he can use to pick up items. Sometimes he accidentally puts these items in his mouth out of habit. He has one large fin on the top of his head, as well as a much smoother fin going down the length of his tail for ease of swimming which we, yet again, feel the need to remind the reader he cannot. He will drown.

Common accessories John Rodriguez wears are guitar picks, and knapsacks. John Rodriguez has a hard time understanding fashion, as such all of the John Rodriguezies tend to look the same.


There's really no other way to put this. John Rodriguez is a sad little creature.

He doesn't have many reasons to exist anymore, and yet it's almost inspirational how John Rodriguez manages to keep trucking along. That doesn't mean he's accepting his fate with grace or anything though. Instead John Rodriguez appears to be in a hole that's just slightly too high for him, and instead of learning to jump he has instead decided it doesn't matter and has made the hole his home.

John Rodriguez was destined for failure. He has low motivation and gives up the moment anything goes wrong. Instead of getting angry and fighting his way out of situations he instead slinks down and hopes someone else will help him. As John Rodriguez is the only person around, this help never comes. When John Rodriguez messes up, he attempts to sweep his failures under the rug, sometimes literally, and ignores slowly growing issues. When these issues are pointed out he starts to cry, overwhelmed by the issues.

He has an extremely distinct cry that wibbles and wobbles, and cries over nearly everything. Once a hungry John Rodriguez was tossed a bag of chips. He picked it up and held it in his hands while looking at the person who tossed him it while crying. He was overjoyed and had no way to show this other than crying. Oddly enough John Rodriguez never asks for anything, instead when he wants something he looks at the person and starts tearing up while making the start of a crying noise. If the person ignores him he feels no hate for the person. People have walked away from him before, and he knows they have the right to.

Even if John Rodriguez was dying he wouldn't directly tell anyone that something was wrong unless they asked.

John Rodriguez's hobbies include attempting to make music and playing Guitar Pioneer on his Ubox. While he has other games Guitar Pioneer seems to be a great tool of escapism for John Rodriguez. One will never see John Rodriguez cry while playing it, not even when he fails. John Rodriguez also does a bit of tinkering, but this tinkering tends to be harmful to the objects he's trying to improve than useful.

Overall, while John Rodriguez is an absolute mess of a person, he's not harmful, he's not evil, nor manipulative. John Rodriguez is just a sad creature. A sad creature with a deeply rooted fear of change, who is constantly being remade over and over, at his greatest moment of trauma, the loss of his species, only to come out and be hit again with how big of a failure he is.

There are many people joke that John Rodriguez is the biggest mess in the universe, to the point that calling someone by their first name and then Rodriguez is a joking insult to mean that someone is a clumsy failure. Though others argue that John Rodriguez has never done anything wrong. John Rodriguez is merely a victim of his species putting so much pressure on one person who didn't even have nearly enough time to train for this. A victim of circumstances.


It's clear that John Rodriguez's species had a deep, intricate history, social system, and extremely advance technology. In fact John Rodriguez's species had not only stopped writing things down physically, but in fact are presumed to have transferred everything to a digital format and tossed away anything that came before it. This would not be an issue if John Rodriguez had not only failed bothering to pay attention in any of his history classes, but also overwrote all the data on the server that was suppose to house the complete history of his species and their technology with his poor attempts at music.

As John Rodriguez's failures disallow us from ever knowing the history of his species, and as it has taken so long that it appears all other technology on the planet has failed, if not rusted away, this section will be about John Rodriguez's personal life and history.

John Rodriguez was born the year of the great wraith, part of a religious yearly system that corresponds to certain mythical animals. It's about the only thing that John Rodriguez remembers about his species' religion. The great wraith says that the person will be ignored until they are needed. Living peacefully in the shadows of others, yet holding the lives of everyone together. John Rodriguez hated his sign, feeling that it doomed him. For his whole life, he has lived in the shadows of others, and when he tried to help people from the shadows, it always failed.

Schooling was mostly a blur for John Rodriguez, but there was one person who brought light into John Rodriguez's life. Ashleigh, the love of his life and his best friend. Ashleigh took care of John Rodriguez, and while she was around John Rodriguez attempted his best to keep his life in order. Years passed and John Rodriguez was always unable to ask her out. Then came Bill Sandhors. He swept Ashleigh off her feet and even bullied John Rodriguez. With his best friend and love of his life gone, as well as being bullied by her boyfriend, John Rodriguez sank into his bad habits.

Now working a simple low paying job, John Rodriguez went home everyday to his home, talked to his online friends, and played Guitar Pioneer. He did this for many years, rarely breaking from his habits or leaving his house except for work. Some months he didn't even talk to his friends. One day he arrived to his work place only to find it closed due to illnesses. He kept coming back to work everyday, not really sure when it was to open again and foolishly never reading the signs that explained it would be closed forever. One day while on his way to work people with full protection suits grabbed him and brought him into a government facility. He was informed that everyone on the planet was dying of a sickness, and yet he was in full health and not sick.

John Rodriguez cried for days when he found out everyone on his planet was dying. He had no idea that apparently half the planet had died out by the time he was brought in. He was so disconnected from the world.

He was told he was the last hope for his species, and that his species had made a fail proof plan. All the top scientists had worked to create a cloner that could not only clone a person, but also their memories. All John Rodriguez needed to do was set the cloner to clone himself once a month, and follow their detailed instructions that mainly consisted of "Don't die." and "In 10 years when the virus has likely died out, instruct the machine to clone other people, and put in the DNA samples from the freezer."

No John Rodriguez knows what happened, but when the John Rodriguez we got the info from woke up from the cloning machine, ready to do his duties, he found the bunker in disarray, the cloning machine set to create one John Rodriguez a day, the samples of DNA for the others gone, and the freezer filled with leftovers from years ago.

The fail proof plan had failed.

John Rodriguez had slumped in the large common room with other John Rodriguezies, unsure of what happened. The other John Rodriguezies gathered around and informed him they failed. They accidentally overwrote the history files, they accidentally broke the containers containing all the DNA samples, all of them, they accidentally set the room with all physical books that were custom made just for this on fire. They had failed.

After a bit of crying. After a bit of realizing he doomed his own species, him being the only member left, he noticed there was a spot open in the Guitar Pioneer game going on, and he joined.

Apparently it had been around 2000 years of nothing but John Rodriguez on the planet when aliens came. Instead of taking over the planet from the weak John Rodriguezies, or helping them, the aliens decided the planet was too beautiful to be tamed, and made it a reserve. They told John Rodriguez he was allowed to leave. After all he was doing so poorly on his planet, most of the John Rodriguezies that were made would die in two or three years due to starvation, poor health, or incidents.

But John Rodriguez was scared of change, and went back to his games.

Home Planet

When John Rodriguez was asked what his planet name was, John Rodriguez said "My Planet?" As such this is now the name of his planet. He begs for his planet name to be changed to something more reasonable like "John's Planet" or "Rodriguez Land," but considering that those options are less reasonable than just "My Planet" the name will currently not change.

My Planet? has a beautiful landscape that's slowly taking over the places that used to be inhabited. Graceful and interesting beasts roam the landscape, and to this day the place is still a hot spot for novice exploration for the wonderful sights on the planet, and the many unseen areas, bursting with untouched ruins.

Then there's John Rodriguez's place. A deplorable looking area with poor plant life, not because the soil is poor, but because John Rodriguez keeps attempting to take care of them and then stepping or accidentally mistreating them. As such fauna is rarer in this area. Looking at the planet from space shows a very distinct "bald spot" caused by John Rodriguez. This area radiates out for 50 miles. This as far as any John Rodriguez ever goes from the factory, he's scared to go any farther. In all honesty it is a bit of an accomplishment that some John Rodriguezies even have the guts to go that far.

The great factory bunker that John Rodriguez lives in is self powered by many sources, meaning it will never go down. The bunker also has automatic weapons that shoot any large creature or ship that gets near it, which the John Rodriguezies feast or loot upon. The bunker itself has many systems such as an automatic gardening system, which John Rodriguez has somehow ruined, now all that grows there are weeds. When the bunker can make food the John Rodriguezies seem a bit worried about it at first. Always seemingly dispensing food the same day they dump the bodies of their fallen selves.


Unknown: John Rodriguezies species appears to have had a more water-bound subspecies as well as one with more limbs, but John Rodriguez mentions that the ones with more limbs were feral and the water-bound subspecies were only kind of smart unlike his species which were highly intelligent.


Illness death resistant: John Rodriguez actually gets sick a lot, but what is surprising is that John Rodriguez is never killed by his illnesses. The body of the John Rodriguezies is extremely resistant to viruses and while he will suffer horribly, with care and food he will bounce back with the illness utterly gone from his body in a month. The clockwork virus as well as anything that physically changes large amounts of the user seems to remove this immunity.


• While it is technically illegal to feed John Rodriguez while he's on his homeworld because on his homeworld he is considered a fauna due to the reserve status, there doesn't seem to be a single person who actually cares for this rule, as tourists can commonly be seen feeding John Rodriguezies.

• On the other hand it is extremely illegal to give John Rodriguezies tools or other objects that might help him, as yet again it is still a reserve. Even if one were to give John Rodriguez these objects he will either attempt to return it or place it down on the floor and skitter away, knowing that if he's seen with them he might be shipped off the planet. Instead offer a nice, grossly moist hug, and a conversation. John Rodriguez will appreciate it.

• John Rodriguez sometimes makes a large bubble with his mouth, about a foot big, that can be held and even slightly squeezed without popping, and when regularly soaked with water can last two months. These are bubbles his species makes to impress others, though apparently are mainly used in courtship. John Rodriguez makes them when he really misses his ex-best friend or when he wants to thank someone for being nice but he has nothing to give. Denying his gift is an option but don't be surprised if he cries.

• The name of the original species doesn't matter anymore and thus is not listed. It's just John Rodriguez now.

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