[Cosmosdex] The Fictional Encyclopedia

[Cosmosdex]

Don Wilmack
         

Owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares!

Don Wilmack
“Don't let those numbers alarm you folks. Those aren't my stats, they're my prices!” — Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares!

Art by, Artem1s

  • Strength-4.99
  • Intelligence-8.99
  • Charisma-14.99
  • Endurance-4.99
  • Agility-3.99
  • Luck-8.99

Type: Egotistical
Domains: Sales, and the transfer of objects or ideas
Associations: Used cars, Handshakes, Anomalously low prices!

Summary: Who needs a deal with the devil when you can deal with me?

Traits
[Collector] Neutral trait
This character has a collection of items or does lowkey hoarding of random objects they find. They are more likely to pick up just about anything they find and check it out. If an item is removed from their collection without their approval they may become minorly distressed.
[Salesman] Positive trait
When it comes to selling things, this character knows just what to say to make quite the convincing sales pitch. Items sold by this character are likely able to fetch a hefty sum.
[Pushy] Negative trait
This character is used to getting their way by any means necessary, even if it means having to pressure or manhandle others into doing what they want.
[Manipulative] Negative trait
This character will, if given the chance, take advantage of a character for their own gain. This character is likely to tell others to do things that help themselves but not the person being told to do the action. Manipulative highly lowers the morale and may lower the sanity of a character if it happens too much.
[Blood Money] Ability trait
While this ability is active, the character using it will lose credits instead of getting hurt. This is very expensive. Cooldown: Can be used anytime, but the ability won’t work if preventing an injury would leave the character to have a credits total below zero.
[Extreme Stealing] Purple trait
Your fingers are like super glue.
[Extreme Stealing] Purple trait
But order now, and I’ll DOUBLE the offer!
[Extreme Stealing] Purple trait
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Original Creator: Fuade

Sales Pitch

Hi, I’m Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares! We got just about anything you could look for over here folks. We got ships, we got cars, we got priceless family heirlooms! You want soldiers? We got soldiers! You want weapons? We got weapons! What’s that? You want something more... abstract? Well we here at Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares have got you covered! In our back room is where we keep the deluxe products.

Not good at sports? You’ll be able to out-wrestle an aluchaquin when you’re done with me! Got a troublesome personality trait holding you down? Good ‘ol Don can take that off your hands. Had a less than desirable childhood? Did your mom not really love you as much as you would have liked? Well Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares is about to be your best friend. We can pluck that trauma right out of your noggin and give you the childhood nurturing you deserve!

Meet the Man

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, you devilishly handsome gentlemen, how could you possibly sell me these things?” Well that’s easy my dear friend. Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares is a very special kind of contractor. I’m working for a different Big Man than the one down below, and as such I can buy, sell, or even take just about anything I want. Want proof? Look where you are! You think the cosmosdex would let me put a full page ad in like this? Heck no! But since I’m Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, I own all rights to my name and title, whether it be written, spoken, or typed! So it’s only natural that’d I’d seize my own cosmosdex article. Can’t let them slander my good name, you know?

How to Buy

If you would like to visit me, Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, then all you have to do is speak my name. Either myself or one of my employees will locate you within the hour with a handy brochure with directions on how to approach Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares. It’s that easy!*



Please note that invoking the name of Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares constitutes a verbal contract in which you agree to visit Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares within 24 hours. Failure to do so without proper notice will incur the forfeiture of one or more of the invokers cherished belongings, physical attributes, or memories, used to offset the cost of transporting Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares to the invoker’s location. Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares is not responsible for any physical, mental, or temporal trauma that such an action brings. Reporting Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares to any figures of authority (to include but not limited to: law enforcement, notails working in an official capacity, or Kratos and Pluto AI (Of any generation)) will incur a similar penalty to the above of equal or greater severity.

Special

Extreme Dealings: I, Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, am able to give and receive pretty much anything I come across. Items, physical/mental attributes, memories, even actual past experiences are on the table. While I accept credits, it is highly encouraged to trade. You’ll get much more in store credit that way!

Customer Testimonials

"He gave me exactly what I wanted, to the letter. I almost wish they hadn't!"

"This car cost me an arm and a leg, but shit, it was worth it"

"Thanks to Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, I can finally walk again. I mean, yeah, he's the reason I wasn't able to in the first place, but he's got a great refinancing program!"

"I, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST], very much enjoyed my, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST]’s stay here, Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares. He, Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, was very nice to me, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST], and had many good products. They, Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, made me, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST], sign a very long confidentiality form due to my, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST]’s, occupation, but I, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST], do not think that what I, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST], went through is standard. I, [CUSTOMER NAME REMOVED AT REQUEST], will give them, Don Wilmack, owner of Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares, nine out of ten stars"

"6/10, lots of sun-related souvenirs, but was unable to BUY THE DLC at this location"

Trivia

• Bit off a bit more than you can chew? Can't pay off your debts, whether to my fine establishment or otherwise? Well you can thank your lucky stars, because Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares is now hiring! You'll find we have a very generous employment package well above our competitors!

Employment is not for everyone. Don Wilmack’s Wacky House of Wares is not responsible for any physical distress incurred by employment. If you are pregnant, budding, or undergoing fission, then employment is not right for you. Please consult a doctor if your species is fluid, as the layer of copper that grows from employment may hinder your ability to feed. Please consult a doctor if you have a history of bad reactions to limbo effects, as employment may aggravate these symptoms.

Image Gallery